It’s easy to run on autopilot when life is busy- and when is it not? Between all the activities and all that needs done, if I am feeling frazzled, I know my family is feeling it too. Then the chances for squabbling, whining, and bad attitudes increase. Sometimes the busy-ness is necessary, but how can we keep peace in our homes and family, even when life is busy?
Here are seven ways that have helped me to keep (or re-establish) peace in our home:
1. Pray. For many of you, this is obvious, but here are a few things to consider before you blow by this suggestion: First, prayer is the work. Prayer is immeasurably more effective than any strategizing, reasoning, or actions we can take. You see, prayer changes people’s hearts, which is something no human can do- ever. Second, we need to be praying in the off-season, so to speak. Praying for the peace, relationships, and attitudes in our homes while not in the heated or frazzled moments helps prepare the way for when we’re in the game. And third, consider how often we pause to pray while we’re in the midst of dealing with chaos? When kids are arguing, do we ask God for guidance and wisdom before we enter the arena?
If you would like some ideas on how to pray for your family, click here.
2. Model making positive assumptions. Two people can experience the same situation but draw completely different conclusions. When we assume that other people have adversarial intentions, are lying, or are thinking something negative, we are automatically setting ourselves against them mentally and emotionally. Then our behavior toward them is combative, even if unintentionally. When we instead begin by assuming that other people have positive intentions, we subconsciously align our attitude and behaviors on the side of problem solving, thus reducing conflict. Constantly making negative assumptions about another person also has the drawback of preventing relational closeness. No one feels comfortable with someone who is regularly judging or falsely accusing them. When we intentionally model making positive assumptions about other people, our children follow suit.
3. Set the emotional thermostat. Kids’ emotions are very dependent on the emotions of the adults around them. Although they are not consciously aware of this fact, it is easily observable. Kids are thermometers, parents are thermostats. When our kids’ emotions are running hot, we are wise to check our own attitude, tone of voice, and body language. Often we don’t realize when we sound irritated or angry. I’m not saying that everyone else’s behavior is our fault, but I am saying we have great influence. When kids are arguing, change the thermostat to joyful. Try interrupting with a random song and dance. Try skipping (I understand if it’s not your thing, but then it is even more effective. Talk about shocking your kids into silence!) Randomly start saying things you are thankful for with an authentic tone; don’t sound patronizing or it will backfire. Give genuine compliments (see tip 5) beginning with the kids who aren’t fighting but compliment the instigator too. Whatever you can think of, creatively up the joyful actions when the atmosphere is negative.
4. Teach and model the “One Step Lower” concept. This is all about verbal tone and volume. Whatever pitch and volume level an upset person is displaying, make sure your responding pitch and volume are at least one step lower. We’re talking quieter and calmer. For parents, we can bring it way down. Whisper if necessary. This is a fantastic principle to ingrain in kids! If one child yells accusingly at his sibling, if the sibling shouts back, a fight ensues. However, if she is in the habit of responding calmly or at least one step lower, the chances of an argument diminish. This can actually be a fun, silly game to teach when everything is calm; then when a voice flares, sometimes just the reminder of the game is all that is needed to quell an argument.
5. Affirm generously. One reason a child may lash out or act up is a desire for attention. When kids go for a while without affirmation – or with too much criticism in comparison to affirmation- they feel uncared about, just like adults do. This often leads to unwanted behaviors in a subconscious effort to meet their unmet need. I have noticed that on the days I am successful at saying five or more intentional affirmations to each child, we have a much more peaceful day, even when we are busy. If you are not in the habit of affirming others or are lacking in creativity, there is no shame in Googling a list ahead of time or Click here for a list of ideas for affirming your children to get you started.
6. Practice full focus. Isn’t it annoying when you are trying to speak to someone when they won’t even look at you? When someone won’t make eye contact, I don’t know if they are listening, and I definitely feel like they don’t care about what I am saying! The same is true of our children. Whether we are busy washing dishes, paying bills or browsing social media, when our kids try to speak to us and we don’t bother looking at them, they feel like they aren’t important to us. Feeling listened to and heard is of immeasurable value! If you are doing something that is not time expedient and important, it is relationally revolutionary for you to simply stop, turn, and make eye contact with them while they are speaking. If what you are doing is important or time sensitive, verbally acknowledge your child and let them know that you care about what they have to say and will listen to them when you are available. And then make yourself available at your earliest convenience. This does not give your kids license to interrupt your conversations with other people or demand your attention whenever they want, but when they feel listened to on a consistent basis, they have a greater sense of peace.
7. Create a peaceful physical atmosphere. A peaceful physical space can do wonders for how you and your family feel. Imagine going to a spa only to have clutter littering the floor, a TV blaring the news, and a pervasive smell of burnt chicken? Many people don’t consider the impact their physical home environment has on the emotional well-being of their family. Consider how the sounds, smells, and visuals contribute to the feel of your home. Try playing peaceful music, light scented candles, and display aesthetically pleasing décor. All the senses impact the people who come into our home, so when we create an environment that speaks peace with all of the senses, people feel peace when they enter. (If you don’t know where to start with decorating your home, read this for helpful tips.)
Creating a peaceful home environment also includes keeping your home orderly. Set in place organizational and cleaning practices for the whole family to implement regularly. With four kids, I know how quickly mess can appear, but returning your home to order as soon as is realistically feasible helps everyone’s emotional well-being. It doesn’t need to be spotless, just relatively orderly. (Demanding spotlessness and never allowing messes while kids are playing can cause tension and hamper creative play-based learning. It can also make parents crazy. Don’t go to extremes, but when play time is over, help get your family in the habit of picking up the mess instead of leaving it for later.)
A peaceful home not only benefits us in the present, it also leaves a lasting impact on the next generation. A peaceful home creates emotional security for children, which continues into their future. The world can be cruel, uncaring, and emotionally painful, but when a home is a sanctuary, children are better able to weather the world outside their home, knowing they have a peaceful place of refuge waiting for them to return.
I would love to hear your ideas! What are some ways you cultivate peace in your home?
